I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
