You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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