o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
