I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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