i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
