I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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