How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
