I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
