I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
