I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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