I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
