Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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