I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.