Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.