i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.