Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
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I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.