The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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