half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
