I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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