Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
