Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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