we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
