i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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