Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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