Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
