hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
