How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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