I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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