Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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