if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
