1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
