I hate all girls vehemently.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
