I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
