When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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