i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
