just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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