there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
