At least make sure they are 18
Why
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
