oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
