i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
