my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
