i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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