I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
