I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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