how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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