i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
