At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
