I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
