Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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