that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
