now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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