Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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