Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
