why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
