I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
