so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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