Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
