There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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