to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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