It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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