how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
