She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
