people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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