Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
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I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize