I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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